Grieving at Any Age
November 22, 2024
This article appears in the November Issue of Reflections and Connections
In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified the five stages of dying in her book: On Death and Dying. She saw that patients who were dying appeared to go through common experiences. Decades later, David Kessler, who coauthored books with her, added a sixth stage. In 2019, he authored a book, Finding Meaning. He acknowledges that for most of us grief will lessen in intensity over time; it will never end. But if we allow ourselves to move fully into this crucial sixth stage—MEANING—it will allow us to transform grief into something rich and fulfilling.
These two authors have influenced me as a hospice spiritual and grief counselor since 2003. My ministry with dying people and their loved ones has taken on a deeper calling. Most of my time is spent with adults who are searching for support to accept the existential pain that they are experiencing. Loss can wound and paralyze. Finding meaning in loss empowers us to find a path forward and helps us make sense of grief. In my work with grieving people, I have often been asked: “Where can I find meaning? The death? The loss? The event? The circumstances? The life of my loved one? In my own life after the loss?” My answer to all these questions is: “Yes, Yes, Yes”. You may find meaning which will lead you to deeper questions and deeper answers.
In recent years, I have put more effort into supporting grieving children, ages 6-14, since I came to realize that they are sometimes forgotten. Children grieve differently than adults, and they can become invisible. Children need to accept their grief in doses and realize that outward signs of grief may come and go. We need to respect the child’s need to be a child during this time. Our society tries to hide the loss, the death, from them, but they need to come to grips with death. Being present is the most important thing one can do to help. They need to know that they are not alone. Physical closeness and comfort are reassuring to children during times of distress. What you say may not be as important as a touch on the shoulder, holding of the hand, or a smile of reassurance. They need to be told the truth, to have their questions answered so they can embrace the hurt and pain. In time, a child will come to a place of peace and trust.
For the past 8 years, I have directed a camp for grieving children called Camp GLOW (Giving Loved Ones Wings). It is a community event: I use a local school, have the Industrial Arts Students make wooden boxes for the children to paint and decorate and use as a memory box, and many businesses donate food, drinks and craft items. Each child has a trained buddy who spends the day listening, accepting, and being present. Each child is given a teddy bear that is held and attends most activities with the child. We take time to talk and journal about their loved ones. The child watches and listens to a magician, who is an ordained minister, as he talks about ways to deal with their emotions. We close with a ritual during which each child chooses some colored sand to pour into a glass heart. We ask an adult to accompany the child, and they have their own group, facilitated by a grief counselor. The adults join us for lunch, the magician’s presentation, and the closing ritual so that they can continue the conversation in the home.
Meaning is all around us. We just have to look to discover it. It is my hope that both the children and the adults who attend this camp will begin to uncover the meaning behind their grief. Death ends a life, but not our relationship, our love, or our hope.
Sister Georgeann Roudebush serves as a Spiritual and Grief Counselor for SSM Health At Home based in Madison, WI.